Ape Over Hillary
By Andrew Cline
OZ -- A mysterious army of winged monkeys today endorsed Sen. Hillary Clinton, D-N.Y. for president of the United States."Eeeeeee! Eeeeeee! Cliiiiiiinton! Ooooooooo!!" declared a recorded statement released by the unnamed simian horde.
Primate specialist Dr. Ben Oogan of the University of Toronto translated the utterances into an endorsement of Sen. Clinton for the presidency. "At first I thought it might be 'Apple, orange, Clinton, banana,'" Oogan said. "But then I slowed down the tape, and it was clearly 'Make witchy Clinton big banana.' There's no question that's what they were saying." The tape was then sent to other primate specialists, who all reached the same conclusion."
Most people will find it remarkable that a magical army of winged monkeys is devoting its energy to endorsing a candidate for president of the United States instead of, say, doing the bidding of some wicked witch that has enchanted them," said Dr. Rufus Poole of the University of Kentucky. "But as a specialist in simian linguistics, what I find remarkable is that the monkeys have formed a single word for Hillary Clinton. I mean, they don't even have a word for cheese. For some reason the senator has managed to concentrate the attention of these monkeys in a deeply profound way. If only I had a $6 million federal grant to study why this might be, we could have an answer by 2011."